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 Inside and outside

People usually don’t feel comfortable to discuss sexuality even though this is one of the things that occupies us the most. Just like our weight and the money we earn, we don’t talk about it, but we think about it, a lot.
The prevailing assumption is that people who work on their sexuality, talk about it and use its energy in their daily lives are the "enlightened" ones; but during the years I have learned that there is no right or wrong when it comes to sexuality, if you look at it through a Focusing perspective.


Multiple orgasms are not superior to caressing, penetration is not better than kissing, an erection is not more desirable than looking in each other's eyes, an open heart is not worthier than an excited clitoris, polyamory is not preferable to porn.


When we use a body sense to approach the sexual field, there is nothing linear about it, only parts that demand that we acknowledge their unique expression and way of experiencing an encounter.


When I was working for the printed-press, I was asked to write "relationship tips". It was assumed that the more sex we have, the better. It was also assumed that talking is preferred to keeping silent, and that hot vacation sex is superior to the bedroom routine. As I was getting deeper into my Focusing studies, I found it hard to produce these kinds of articles. I found it difficult to ignore the other parts in us: the parts in us that are afraid, whose pace is different, memories, preferences and insecurity in the relationship. The printed-press didn’t want to say anything about them. And when I was finally able to slip in an article about the right of some people to be asexual, it was my last story for the magazine. 


Most of us suppose that a healthy sexuality is an active sexuality and that the difficulties on the way are mostly problems that should be treated in order to "do it right". The society we live in promotes only one option and its cliché is passionate sex that ends with simultaneous orgasms, gazing into each other's eyes, and for both partners to feel perfectly content.
But this kind of sex exists mostly in the movies, or during the first months of a relationship. Afterwards, for those that insist that this is the only thing that is good, sex turns into a target unto itself, holding shame, pain and blame. Our inner feelings become hurdles along the way to 'the right sexuality', and when this becomes the situation, it is very easy to despair and give up; on the inside as well as on the outside.
People whom I meet are dealing with the question: "what is wrong with me?" holding a huge prism composed of their overall education, fantasies, memories, traumas, body, relationships, age etc.The assumption that there is a "problem" relies on an inner feeling of something that is defined as "bad". And the issue, at the beginning of the process, is to understand what the source of this feeling of distress really is.


The thing about Focusing is an in-depth attention to ourselves and to the parts of everything we call "our sexuality". It is about taking the time to ask the body what it is that it needs – to better understand our reproductive system (the penis and the testicles, the vagina and the clitoris as well as the uterus and the ovaries), listen to our processes of maturation, the axis of the heart, memories that lie deep in our own private system – it is much harder than reading an article about vibrators and purchasing one for your partner in the hope that it will bring passion to life. It is true that a new posture can sometimes be very cool, but in the majority of cases, it will not lead to any deep changes. 


Our sexuality is demanding our respect. It is requesting us to lose all our clichés and evolve.
True, this is one of the more difficult topics to dive into: it is awkward, frightening and very profound, but on the other hand, we have been listening too much to what others are saying, it is time we start listening to ourselves.

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